I'd like to congratulate you on becoming a two time World Heavyweight Champion. (What, you mean you don't count your first reign? THAT 10 MINUTE REIGN WHERE VICKIE HANDED YOU THE TITLE COUNTS DAMMIT!) I'm sure you already know, you can look forward to several perks and benefits as the World Heavyweight Champion. If you'll allow me, I'd like to list them for you:
1. You'll get a singles match at Wrestlemania! YES! Finally, on the biggest stage of then all, you can show off like only you can. I mean, your opponent will probably get a dark entrance (see: Jack Swagger, Mania 29) and your match will either curtain jerk, or be overshadowed by The Undertaker... or Triple H... or Brock Lesnar... or John Cena... or Dwayne... or anyone else they decide to bring in for that year. BUT A SINGLES MATCH!!!
2. You will get all the top feuds on Smackdown as the champion of that brand. I mean, we all know you'll start off feuding with Alberto Del Rio, probably up until SummerSlam. But then, oh then, you could get a feud with... umm... THE MIZ! Sure, because everyone else is in an actual MEANINGFUL feud, but at least Miz headlined Mania 27! What? I know he won because of Dwayne, why does that mat-... oh. Well, um, he won the IC title at Mania this year! That's gotta count for some-... well yeah, he did lose it back to Wade the next night... fine, Miz probably isn't your greatest opponent. We'll get back to this.
3. You'll finally get featured on PPV's like you deserve! No more meaningless WWE title matches vs CM Punk, no sir! You'll get at least 20 minutes to have fantastic matches! I mean, you'll probably be put near the middle of the card, and Brodus Clay will go on after you, and by the time John Cena gets done being Superman, nobody will remember your match. BUT 20 MINUTES!!! YOU COULD SELL OXI CLEAN TO BILLY MAYS IN THAT MUCH TIME!!!
4. Let's get back to Smackdown being YOUR show, Dolph. NOBODY will overshadow you!... wait, what? Triple H was on Smackdown last Friday, and you had a title match vs Y2J that was ruined by Fandango? Wow, I guess they really treat the World Heavyweight Champion like crap on Smackdown... well, at least you can show up on Raw! Oh wait, that's Cena's show... This letter isn't going so well, let me start over...
Dear Dolph Ziggler,
Congratulations on winning the World Heavyweight Championship and getting a Stone Cold like pop on Raw last Monday. I regret to inform you, that's as good as it's gonna get for quite some time.
Your fan,
Steve