Vince: Ah, it’s time to go to bed, for tomorrow is Christmas. Christ. Mass. A day of joyous cheer. A day of family, food, and togetherness. A day for me to fuck the flight attendant in the ear on the new jet Santa brings me! Oh boy! Goodnight, Linda!
Linda McMahonbot: Beep whistle blip.
Vince: Yeah, yeah. I love you too. I can’t believe Christmas is almost-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
(Later)
???: Vince! Viiiiiiiiiiiiiince!
Vince: ZZZZ- Huh? What? Who’s there? JR, is that you?
Jim Ross: It’s me, you sonuvabitch. In life, I was yours to whip like a government mule. But now things are bah gawd different, you bastard! Tonight you will be visited by 3 spirits. Those hosses are gonna show you just how evil you are. More evil than Satan himself! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!
(JR disappears)
Vince: Gotta lay off the bull testosterone before bed… Dreaming about JR-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
(Later)
???: *Heavy breathing*
Vince: What the-!? Who’s there? Show yourself, dammit! I’m warning you, I was on the cover of muscle and fitness!
Chris Benoit: I am the ghost of Chris-mas past! Vince, I am here to show you how your tyrannical slave driving has turned you into a SCROOGE in the eyes of all the boys!
Vince: Why were you trying to smother me? I thought you were innocent!
Benoit: Uhh. Yeah. I am. Kevin Sullivan did that shit. PROVE ME WRONG. Vince, never mind that. YOU are responsible for my brain damage! YOU are responsible for Owen Hart! YOU are responsible for Warrior’s death!
Vince: No! You can’t prove that! We shook hands and hugged, dammit!
Benoit: Face it, Vince. You’re responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in wrestling. I, and everyone else knows it’s true because I. AM. 4 REAL.
(Benoit disappears)
Vince: Spirit, no! Come baaaaaaaaaack!
(5. 4. 3. 2. 1………..)
(BOOM)
Sound system: BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN! FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK-
Jericho: Welcome to! RAW. IS. JERICHO.
Vince: This is not Monday Night Raw, and that is not the line. It’s WELCOME EVERYONE. TO MONDAY. NIGHT. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW. And what the fuck are you doing in my house, Jericho? I should have you arrested!
Jericho: I’m the ghost of Chris-mas present, junior. And the afterlife will never. Eeeeeeeeeever! Be the same! AGAYN.
Vince: You’re not even dead! And seriously? Present? You haven’t been relevant in like, 5 years.
Jericho: Would you please. Shut the hell. UP.
(Ghost chowd cheers)
Jericho: Vince, look at the year you’ve had. CM Punk left and exposed your company for the terrible corporation it is. Your network is tanking. Stocks are in the toilet. It’s time for a change!
Vince: I know that! Didn’t you hear my brass ring speech?
Jericho: Vinny, are you seriously that stupid? Ryder, Ziggler, Punk, Bryan… the list of guys that have ripped the brass ring down and ran with it is about 3 times as long as the list of moves Cena can properly execute. You’re either blind and stupid, or too stubborn to do anything about it!
Vince: But HHH said those guys can’t work!
Jericho: FUCK HHH.
Vince: I wish I could…
Jericho: What the… Ew. But whatever. It’s 2014, and that’s cool I guess. The fact remains, though, Vince. You’re going to have to make a move soon, or you’re gonna be sorry.
(Jericho disappears)
Vince: Bah. Humbug. What does he know. Stupid Winnitobans.
???: VINCE.
Vince: Buh?
???: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRIS-MAS FUTURE.
Vince: Tell me who you are, spirit! Christian? Chris Masters? CHRIS CANDIDO, IS THAT YOU?
???: I said FUTURE, you tool.
*Lower’s hood*
Vince: What- Brian Christopher?
Grand Master Sexay: Yeah, dude. It’s me.
Vince: You’re the ghost of Chris-mas future? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch for this bit?
Sexay: Shut up, it was the only work I could get!
Vince: And what about all that “Grr, I said FUTURE. Grrrrrr.”
Sexay: Shut up! I am here to show you what will happen if you don’t change your ways and push new talent! Come with me.
Vince: Where are we going?
Sexay: You’ll see. In time.
(Later)
Vince: A graveyard? What the hell are we doing here? Is this an Undertaker promo?
Sexay: No, Vince. Look over there, at that headstone.
Vince: (Reading) Here lies the career of Alberto Del Rio?
Sexay: No not that one! The one next to it!
Vince: This… this is MY grave!
Sexay: Yeah dude. And if things don’t change, you’ll go there. Or something. I don’t know.
Vince: You’re not very good at this.
Sexay: It’s my first day!
Vince: But spirit, what can I do? I’m just one man. How can I make all these changes?
Sexay: You can start by pushing new talent. Like Hideo Itami and Finn Balor.
Vince: Who?
Sexay: These guys.
Sexay: That’s not the point. You know what you have to do, Vince.
(Grand Master Sexay disappears)
Vince: Spirit no! Don’t go! Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
HHH: Dad! DAD! Wake up, dad!
Vince: AH. Oh Paul, it’s you. I had the WORST nightmare! Brian Christopher told me to PUSH Taka Michinoku!
HHH: Is he even alive anymore?
Vince: I don’t know. And I damn sure don’t want to find out.
HHH: Whatever. Hey, it’s Christmas! LETS GO SEE WHAT SANTA BROUGHT!
Vince: Okay Paul! Lead the way, bud!
HHH: YAAAAAAAAAY! SANTA CAME! SANTA CAME! PRESENTS PRESENTS PRESENTS!
(HHH runs downstairs)
Vince: Merry Christmas, Linda.
Linda McMahonbot: Beep boop beep whistle.